A family member pointed me to LinkedIn skills tests. They appear to be standardized and written by smarty-pants subject-matter experts, where the results are used by recruiters to verify skills in particular subjects. Since resumes are full of lies, this is an interesting solution to fix honesty issues.
"The LinkedIn Skill Assessments feature allows you to demonstrate your knowledge of the skills you've added on your profile by completing assessments specific to those skills."
So I took some, and I apparently know lots of stuff. The one that messed me up though is the Linux assessment test. I'll spend the next month brushing up on the finer nuances of the OS and try again. That's a badge I would really like to have.